That overwhelming feeling

I'm currently sitting here, wondering how to start this blog entry. It took me forever just to think of a title for it. I know what I want to say, and I know the purpose behind it. But getting started is something I struggle with. So, I'll start with explaining how hard it is to get started. It's not the first time I've done that, just ask my Patreon subs and they'll tell you it's a cheat I've used there before. However, it's served it's purpose and got me started.

I've been making my comic FLUX for around six years now, releasing the first issue four years ago, and I'll be working on it for at least another four years. It's something I love doing, it's something I want to do, and, although I may struggle to quantify this, it's something I have to do!

But it is a lot of work!

I previously mentioned "the purpose" of this blog entry, so let me get onto that.

I can get overwhelmed very easily. Tie that to ADHD, anxiety, depression, who knows, but it happens. And the comic can be a huge source of that. I've opted to tell a very large scale story, with some complicated plot lines. There's a lot involved, and right now at this moment as I prep for issue ten, I am feeling that overwhelming feeling.

However I've found a way to deal with it is to write about it. In doing so, I get my thoughts out of my head rather than keeping them in there where I struggle to make sense of what I'm thinking and feeling. It's cathartic in a way, and I get to share with you some behind the scenes insight into my process and progress (or lack thereof!)

So, why am I currently feeling overwhelmed?

Firstly, there is the evergreen source which is ever present with every chapter I work on, but mainly rears its head when starting a new chapter and makes actually getting started very difficult. I get hyper fixated on the workload. Despite having completed nine chapters already, whenever I start a new chapter, something in my brain tells me it's going to be like climbing Everest. I know I can do it, I have done nine times already, but for some reason it feels like too much. I know once I get started I'll get beyond it, like pushing a car up hill, but once at the top it's all down hill from there and I'll be rolling. But when I'm at this stage, doing the prep work, finalising the script, it can all feel like too much.

It doesn't help that I'm not a patient man, which is kind of needed when making comics.

Actually, I can be a patient man, FLUX would never have gotten as far as it has if I wasn't, but I have periods where I'm not. Again, I don't know why. But I do find myself at these points where I can only think about the finish line, when I need to be focussed on the start line and "enjoying the journey."

For years, my anxieties have been rooted in a feeling of running out of time, and fretting that I won't achieve everything I want to in life. Back in the music days, I wrote a song about this that was on our last album (shameless plug).

Secondly, it's Chapter Ten. This is a big point in the story. Some major moments that I want to be sure I get right. It's going to be an extra long chapter like Chapter Five was (40 pages), and therefore is going to be a lot of work. Moreso than other chapters. Which comes back to the what I've already said. The fact I acknowledge this will be more work than the average chapter, exacerbates the over fixation on how much work there is!

Some of the scenes will entail considerable detail and complex illustrations, including a busy Tel street scene with more extras and background characters than I think I've included in a scene thus far. So I'm starkly aware some panels or pages will be more time consuming than others. Which again contributes to the workload fixation.

There is a considerable amount of prep work required for this chapter, including concept sketches of new outfits for the Tel characters and all the extras. Thankfully I've been able to lean on a friend and fellow creative to help me with this, and they were more than happy to help come up with some outfit ideas. Which is also great as it brings a new perspective and take beyond my own ideas.

It isn't helped by the fact  that I'm not liking a lot of what I'm coming up with (another good reason to get some outside input). Below are a couple of quick concepts that so far I'm okay with.

I also wonder if being in a post Comic Con come down is also effecting me. I love doing events and there is definitely an emotional high that comes with an event like Comic Con. I came out the other side wanting to do more and as soon as possible. As I've returned to "normality" I can definitely feel an emotional come down that's left me a bit... meh!

The rational part of me knows I just have to take things one step at a time and progress will be made. But there's always that part of the brain that you have no control over that drowns out the rational and patient side of me, and allows me to feel overwhelmed. When this happens, I find myself struggling to make a start. Instead of being present and focussing what I am working on in that moment, I instead fixate on what comes next. What is still to be done. And then when I fail to make any progress because of the procrastination that arises from this, I then fixate on how much time I've lost having made no progress. And it all piles on.

I know the answer to all this is to just make a start and a flow and rhythm will come. It's just getting beyond that paralysis that comes from letting the work, which I love doing, overwhelm me.

But getting these feeling written down like this allows me to make sense of it all and get a perspective I maybe wouldn't have, if I kept these thoughts to myself.